Kylo Ren, the smoker (script)

than anything else in the whole world, I love smoking! Marlboro Lite?
 * (after the "Barney Theme Song", Amy's mom comes home with the groceries)
 * Kylo Ren: Sir, I hope you got me the camel cigarettes, cause I care for cigarettes!
 * Michael: Cigarettes are bad, too.
 * Kylo Ren: Oh, but Marlboro is the best.
 * Michael and Amy's Mom: Here, Ren. Why don't you help me put away the groceries, you shouldn't be smoking.
 * Kylo Ren: Oh, good! It's looking at me! You're not gonna light my cigarette, are you?!
 * Michael and Amy's Mom: You've smoked before.
 * Kylo Ren: Well, it's been a while!
 * Michael: (taunting Kylo Ren) Kylo's scared of a cigarette.
 * Kylo Ren: I'm not scared! Cigarettes smell good, and I like the smell. Is this tobacco?
 * Michael: Yes, it's tobacco. And you're not getting any.
 * Kylo Ren: Cigarettes: good, lighter: good! Mmm, this pack of cigarettes, yummy! Mmm, this filter-- Eww, yucky tobacco!
 * Michael and Amy's Mom: My captor, Kylo Ren is what you might call a smoker.
 * Kylo Ren: Right, the brand!! I like Marlboro!! Cigarettes are the best, things in the universe!!
 * (fades to the next scene where the Backyard Gang are playing in the kiddie pool)
 * Luci: Okay, Michael, what is your favorite food?
 * Michael: Uh, mine would be cold watermelon.
 * Adam: Mine is steak.
 * Tina: Macaroni and cheese.
 * Jason: I like fish.
 * Luci: And mine would be a salad.
 * Kylo Ren: I will smoke whenever the fuck I want to. I wouldn't stop for a week... and more
 * Michael: (sighs) Face it. You are a smoker.
 * Barney's voice on the Barney doll: Wait a minute. Did I hear someone say "smoker"?
 * Michael: Hmm? I wonder who said that?
 * (the Backyard Gang get up to see Barney)
 * (the magical sparkles appear on Barney who is sitting on the beach chair)
 * (thunder flashes)
 * (the Backyard Gang are shocked to see Barney coming to life)
 * (Barney comes to life)
 * Barney: (giggles) Ho ho ho!
 * Michael: Barney! I know you're the one who said that!
 * Barney: I did. Hi, gang.
 * Tina, Luci, Jason and Adam: BARNEY! (they get out of the pool to greet Barney!)
 * Tina: I miss you, Barney!
 * Barney: I miss you, too, Tina.
 * Luci: It sure it good to see you again, Barney!
 * (music starts to the song "I Love You")
 * (fades to Kylo Ren and Amy's dad in his car on the way home)
 * Michael and Amy's Dad: Did you smoke another cigarettes?
 * Kylo Ren: No. Some asshole took it. It was on purpose.
 * Michael and Amy's Dad: (sighs) Well, we'll hafta talk about it.
 * Kylo Ren: ...and Camel; I never realized how many better cigarettes there are, like Marlboro and Virginia Slims, and, uh, did I mention
 * Michael: Yes!
 * Kylo Ren: And this! Good!
 * (Michael and Amy's dad gives Kylo Ren a cigarette and Kylo Ren thinks he likes it)

the pack) There, trash. (pulls out a cigarettes) There, good and healthy. (puts a cigarette in his mouth) Hey, this is a cigarette! What kinda place is this?! (Lights up his cigarettes, causing the waiter to get sick) where Barney and the Backyard Gang (expect Kylo Ren) are bored in the backyard) restaurant, Amy's parents got mad and he can't go to any restaurants at all!
 * Michael and Amy's Dad: Kylo Ren, you don't even know what this does. How can you say you like it?
 * Kylo Ren: Okay, what is this?
 * Michael and Amy's Dad: Cigarettes-- it's a cancer stick.
 * Michael and Amy's Mom: Ahh.
 * Kylo Ren: I don't care. (he smokes his cigarette)
 * Michael: (whispering) I saw that!
 * (fades to Kylo Ren and Leslie in Leslie's bedroom)
 * Kylo Ren: I'm glad you invited me over for this talk, Leslie. What're we discussing?
 * Leslie: You were smoking.
 * Kylo Ren: May I please have another? No stopping.
 * Leslie: Really? That's bad!
 * Kylo Ren: Yeah. I can't wait for your mom to make me smoke another cigarette. (whispering in Leslie's ear) I hope my lighter is on the table.
 * Leslie: Oh, I get it.
 * (fades to Kylo Ren and Leslie at dinnertime)
 * (Leslie's mom lights up Kylo Ren's cigarette)
 * Kylo Ren: Is this the best?
 * Leslie's Mom: No. It's bad. Stop it.
 * Kylo Ren: Hmph. Nicotine is a kind of addictive drug and--
 * (Leslie is about to drink a glass of milk but she sneezes onto the meatball, making it roll off the table)
 * (music starts to the song "On Top of Spaghetti")
 * Kylo Ren: Eww!
 * Leslie: (after the song "On Top of Spaghetti") Mom, Dad. Come look what I just did.
 * (Leslie's parents come outside)
 * Leslie's Mom: (gasps) Oh, no! Leslie, what've you done?
 * Leslie: I sneezed onto the meatball and it rolled away. But now it's nothing but mush. That's why I'm allergic to milk.
 * Leslie's Mom: Leslie, I told you not to drink milk.
 * Leslie's Dad: You should drink something else instead.
 * Leslie: Yeah, I won't be sneezing onto my meatball tonight.
 * Leslie's Mom: So what will you drink next time.
 * Leslie: Well, I'll drink orange juice but I love orange juice.
 * Leslie's Dad: Oh, that's a great choice, Leslie!
 * Kylo Ren: Brr. It's cold out there.
 * Leslie: C'mon. Let's go back inside.
 * Kylo Ren: Yeah.
 * (everybody goes back inside)
 * (Kylo Ren and his slaves are at a fancy restaurant)
 * (the waiter brings dinner to Kylo Ren and his slave's table)
 * Michael and Amy's Dad: Mmm. Looks good.
 * Kylo Ren: (pulls out a pack of cigarettes) Cigarettes, the best. (opens
 * Michael: Uh-oh! He's gonna smoke!
 * Kylo Ren: This is my cigarette.
 * Waiter: Is this right?
 * Kylo Ren: This is my cigarette. (gets angry) AND I WILL FUCKING SMOKE!!!
 * (everybody gasps)
 * Kylo Ren: Uh-oh!
 * Waiter: That's it. I quit.
 * Michael and Amy's Mom: (yelling furious) Kylo Ren!
 * (Kylo Ren smokes)
 * (fades to Kylo Ren and his slaves arriving home)
 * Barney: Back so soon? Did you have a good time?
 * Michael: Kylo Ren was smoking in a public place... in front of the waiter and everybody is sick.
 * Kylo Ren: I know! Everybody's wanting me arrested!
 * Michael and Amy's Mom: No more restaurants for you, Kylo, until you can behave and learn to stop smoking.
 * Michael and Amy's Dad: (yelling furious) You're going to damage your lungs! Now get out!!
 * Kylo Ren: Okay. (gets out of the house)
 * Michael: What about grandma's birthday at Once Upon a Restaurant next week?
 * Michael and Amy's Dad: Kylo Ren will not be joining us.
 * Michael: (groaning) Ohh! Too bad it wouldn't be a "happy birthday" if Kylo Ren wasn't there.
 * Barney: Don't worry, Michael. We'll wait until he gets over the smoking.
 * Michael: Oh, okay.
 * (fades to Kylo Ren outside)
 * (music starts to the song "This is Not My Day")
 * (after the song, "This Is Not My Day", it fades to the next day
 * Michael: Poor Kylo!
 * Tina: He has been a bad man yesterday.
 * Adam: Barney, how come Kylo Ren left?
 * Barney: Well, when Kylo Ren smoked a cigarette at a fancy
 * Cabot: Aw, that's sad.
 * Harlow: Barney, what should we do now?
 * Barney: How about
 * (at the park, Michael rides his bicycle to the park, where he meets Kylo Ren at the sidewalk)
 * Michael: Hey Ren., wanna ride bikes with me?
 * Kylo Ren: Sure! I'll get my... Hey, wait a minute! What are you trying to pull here?
 * Michael: Nothing! It's the Smoker's Clinic! Let's stop and take a look. Look, Ren, there's a therapist!
 * Kylo Ren: A therapist? Where? Where?
 * Michael: And are those ponies?
 * Kylo Ren: Pony--
 * Michael: Wouldn't you like to see the unicorn up close on Saturday at our grandma's birthday party?
 * Kylo Ren: Yes!
 * Michael: Really?
 * Amy: Sure, but how're we gonna get it to your house?