Barney meets The Phantom of the Opera (Script)

Prologue (Caboose)

undefined THE CABOOSE, 1905 (The contents of the caboose is being auctioned off. BARNEY, PORTERS, BIDDERS, and CARLOS, seven now, but still bright of eye. The auction commences with a blow from the AUCTlONEER BARNEY'S gavel)

BARNEY: Sold. Your number, sir? Thank you.

Lot 663, then, ladies and gentlemen: a poster for this house's production of "Hannibal" by Chalumeau.

MR. BOYD: Showing here.

BARNEY: Do I have ten francs? Five then. Five I am bid. Six, seven. Against you, sir, seven. Eight. Eight once. Selling twice. Sold, to Carlos.

Lot 664: a wooden pistol and three human skulls from the 1831 production of "Robert Le Diable" by Meyerbeer. Ten francs for this. Ten, thank you. Ten francs still. Fifteen, thank you, sir Fifteen I am bid. Going at fifteen. Your number, sir?

Lot 665, ladies and gentlemen: a paper-mache musical box, in the shape of a barrel-organ. Attached, the figure of a monkey in Persian robes playing the cymbals. This item, discovered in the vaults of the theater, still in working order.

MR. BOYD: (holding it up) Showing here. (He sets it in motion)

BARNEY: May I start at twenty francs? Fifteen, then? Fifteen I am bid.

(the bidding continues. CARLOS. eventually buys the box for thirty francs)

BARNEY: Sold, for thirty francs to Carlos. Thank you, sir.

(The box is handed across to CARLOS. He studies it, as attention focuses on him for a moment)

(Music for A Collector's Piece plays)

CARLOS: (quietly, half to himself, half to the box) A collector's piece indeed. every detail exactly as she said.

She often spoke of you, my friend. Your velvet lining, and your figurine of lead

Will you still play, when all the rest of us are dead?

(music ends)

(Attention returns to BARNEY, as he resumes)

BARNEY: Lot 666, then: a chandelier in pieces. Some of you may recall the strange affair of the Phantom of the Opera: a mystery never fully explained. We are told ladies and gentlemen, that this is the very chandelier which figures in the famous disaster. Our workshops have restored it and fitted up parts of it with wiring for the new electric light, so that we may get a hint of what it may look like when re-assembled. Perhaps we may frighten away the ghost of so many years ago with a little illumination, gentlemen?

Overture

(BARNEY switches on the chandelier. There is an enormous flash, and the OVERTURE begins. During the overture the park and the caboose are restored to it's original form. The chandelier immense and glittering, rises magically from the floor, finally hovering high above the ceiling)

Hannibal

ACT 1 Scene 1 REHEARSALS FOR "HANNIBAL" BY CHALUMEAU

(We have reached the great choral scene in which HANNIBAL and his army return to save Carthage from the Roman invasion under Scipio. HANNIBAL is MS. ETTE KETTE; ELISSA, Queen of Carthage (his mistress) is MRS. KEPLAR The two leading SLAVE GIRLS are played by LAURA and WHITNEY. STELLA THE STORYTELLER is the ballet mistress. MR. BOOKER T. BOOKWORM the repetiteur, is in charge.)

(We join the opera towards the end of ELISSA's (MRS. KEPLAR's) great aria. She is alone, holding a pre. from the approaching HANNIBAL, a bleeding severed head)

(music for Hannibal starts)

MRS. KEPLAR: (at the climax of an extravagant cade) This trophy from our saviors, from the enslaving force of Rome!

(A STAGE HAND carries a ladder across the stage. OTHERS are seen still constructing parts of the scenery)

FEMALE KIDS: With feasting and dancing and song, tonight in celebration we greet the victorious throng, returned to bring salvation!

MALE KIDS: The trumpets of Carthage resound ! Hear, Romans, now and tremble! Hark to our step on the ground!

ALL: Hear the drums -Hannibal comes!

(MS. ETTE KETTE enters, as HANNIBAL)

MS. ETTE KETTE (HANNIBAL) Sad to return to find the land we love threatened once more by Roma's far-reaching grasp.

MR. BOOKER T. BOOKWORM: (interrupting her) Signora .if you please: "Rome". We say "Rome' not "Roma"

MS. ETTE KETTE: Si, si, Rome, not Roma. Is very hard for me. (practicing) Rome. Rome.

(Enter BARNEY, the retiring manager of the Caboose, with BABY BOP and BJ, to whom he has just sold it to)

MR. BOOKER T. BOOKWORM (to MS. ETTE KETTE) Once again, then, if you please, Signora: "Sad to return."

BARNEY: (to BJ and BABY BOP) This way, you two, this way. Rehearsals, as you see, are under way, for a new production of Chalumeau's "Hannibal".

(seeing a hiatus in the rehearsal, BARNEY attempts to attract attention.)

BARNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, some of you may already, perhaps, have met BJ and Baby Bop.

(the dinosaurs are politely bowing, when BOOKER T. BOOKWORM interrupts)

BOOKER T. BOOKWORM: I'm sorry, Barney, we are rehearsing. If you wouldn't mind waiting a moment?

BARNEY: My apologies, Booker T, Bookworm. Proceed, proceed.

BOOKER T. BOOKWORM: Thank you, monsieur (turning back to MS. ETTE KETTE). "Sad to return." Signora.

BARNEY (sotto voice to BJ and BABY BOP) Booker T. Bookworm, our chief repetiteur. Rather a tyrant, I'm afraid.

(the rehearsal continues)

(music resumes)

MS. ETTE KETTE (HANNIBAL): Sad to return to find the land we love threatened once more by Rome's far-reaching grasp. Tomorrow we shall break the chains of Rome. Tonight, rejoice -your army has come home.

(BALLET GIRLS begin their dance. BARNEY, BJ and BABY BOP stand center-stage watching the ballet. They are in the way. The ballet continues under the following dialogue.)

BARNEY: (indicating MS. ETTE KETTE) Ms. Ette Kette, our principal soprano. She does play so opposite Mrs. Keplar.

STELLA THE STORYTELLER (exasperated by their presence, bangs her cane angrily on the stage) You 3, please! If you would kindly move to one side?

BARNEY: My apologies, Stella. (leading BJ and BABY BOP aside) Stella, our ballet mistress. I don't mind confessing, Baby Bop, I shan't be sorry to be rid of the whole blessed business.

BABY BOP: I keep asking you, Barney, why exactly are you retiring?

BARNEY: (ignoring this, calls his attention to the continuing ballet) We take a particular pride here in the excellence of our ballets.

(LAURA becomes prominent among the dancers)

BJ: Who's that girl, Barney?

BARNEY: Her? Laura, Stella's daughter. Promising dancer, BJ, most promising.

(WHITNEY becomes prominent. She has absentmindedly fallen out-of-step)

STELLA THE STORYTELLER (spotting her, bangs her cane again) You! Whitney! Concentrate, girl!

LAURA (quietly, to WHITNEY) Whitney.What's the matter?

BABY BOP (to BARNEY) Whitney? Curious name.

BARNEY: Swedish.

BJ: Any relation to the violinist?

BARNEY: His granddaughter, I believe. Always has her head in the clouds, I'm afraid.

(The ballet continues to its climax and ends. The CHORUS resumes)

CHORUS: Bid welcome to Hannibal's guests the elephants of Carthage! As guides on our conquering quests, Dido sends Hannibal's friends!

(the ELEPHANT, a life-sized mechanical replica, enters. MS. ETTE KETTE is lifted, in triumph, onto its back)

MRS. KEPLAR (ELISSA): Once more to my welcoming arms my love returns in splendor!

MS. ETTE KETTE (HANNIBAL): Once more to those sweetest of charms my heart and soul surrender!

CHORUS: The trumpeting elephants sound hear, Romans, now and tremble! Hark to their step on the ground hear the drums! Hannibal comes!

(At the end of the chorus BARNEY claps his hands for silence. The elephant is led off. Two stage-hands are revealed operating it from within)

BARNEY: Ladies and gentlemen-Stella, thank you-may I have your attention, please? As you know, for some weeks there have been rumors of my Imminent retirement. I can now tell you that these were all true and it is my pleasure to introduce to you the two dinosaur friends who now own the Caboose, Baby Bop and BJ.

(Polite applause. Some bowing. MRS. KEPLAR makes her presence felt)

BARNEY: Baby Bop and BJ, Signora Keplar, our leading soprano for five seasons now.

BJ: Of course, of course. I have experienced all your greatest roles, Signora.

BARNEY: And Ms. Ette Kette.

BABY BOP: An honor, Signora.

BJ: If I remember rightly, Elissa has a rather fine aria in Act Three of "Hannibal". I wonder, Signora, if, as a personal favor, you would oblige us with a private rendition? (Somewhat acerbic). Unless, of course, Booker T. Bookworm objects.

MRS. KEPLAR: My manager commands. Mr. Booker T. Bookworm?

BOOKER T. BOOKWORM: My diva commands. Will two bars be sufficient introduction?

BABY BOP: Two bars will be quite sufficient

BOOKER T. BOOKWORM (ensuring that MRS. KEPLAR is ready) Signora?

MRS. KEPLAR: Maestro.

(music for Think of Me plays)

(The introduction is played on the piano)

MRS. KEPLAR: Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in a while please promise me you'll try. When you find that, once again, you long to take your heart.

(As MRS. KEPLAR is singing a backdrop crashes to the floor cutting her off from half the cast)

LAURA/BALLERINAS/CHORUS: She's here: the Phantom of the Park. She is with us. It's the ghost.

MS. ETTE KETTE (looking up, furiously) You idiots!

(She rushes over to MRS. KEPLAR) Keplar! Keplar! Are you hurt?

BARNEY: Signora! Are you all right? Riff! Where is Riff?

MS. ETTE KETTE: Is no one concerned for our prima Donna?

BARNEY: Get that dinosaur down here ! (to BJ and BABY BOP) Chief of the flies. He's responsible for this.

(The drop is raised high enough to reveal upstage an orange dinosaur, RIFF, holding a length of rope, which looks almost like a noose)

BARNEY: Riff! For God's sake, man, what's going on up there?

RIFF: Please Barney don't look at me: as God's my witness, I was not at my post.

Please Barney there's no one there: and if there is, well then, it must be a ghost.

LAURA (looking up) She's there; the Phantom of the Park.

BJ: Good heavens! Will you show a little courtesy?

BABY BOP (to LAURA and the OTHERS) Mademoiselle, please!

BJ (to MRS. KEPLAR) These things do happen.

MRS. KEPLAR: Si! These things do happen! Well, until you stop these things happening, this thing does not happen!

MRS. KEPLAR: Ms. Ette Kette! Andiamo! (MS. ETTE KETTE dutifully fetches her furs from the wings)

MS. ETTE KETTE: Amateurs!

BARNEY: I don't think there's much more to assist you, two. Good luck. If you need me, I shall be in Frankfurt.

(He leaves. The COMPANY looks anxiously at the NEW MANAGERS)

BJ: Mrs. Keplar will be back.

STELLA THE STORYTELLER: You think so, Baby Bop and BJ? I have a message, you two, from the Opera Ghost.

(The GIRLS twitter and twirl in fear)

BABY BOP: God in Heaven, you're all obsessed!

STELLA THE STORYTELLER: She merely welcomes you to her park and commands you to continue to leave the table outside empty for her use and reminds you that her salary is due.

BABY BOP: Her salary?

STELLA THE STORYTELLER: Barney paid her twenty thousand francs a month. Perhaps you can afford more, with Nick as your patron.

(Reaction to this from the BALLET GIRLS. WHITNEY takes hold of LAURA nervously)

BJ (to STELLA) Stella, I had hoped to have made that announcement myself.

STELLA THE STORYTELLER (to BABY BOP) Will Nick be at the performance tonight, Baby Bop?

BABY BOP: At our table.

Think of Me

BJ: Stella, who is the understudy for this role?

BOOKER T. BOOKWORM: There is no understudy, BJ -the production is new.

LAURA: Whitney could sing it, BJ.

BABY BOP: The chorus girl?

LAURA (to BABY BOP) She's been taking lessons from a great teacher

BJ: From whom?

WHITNEY (uneasily) I don't know, sir.

BABY BOP: Oh, not you as well! (turning to BJ) Can you believe it? A full house -and we have to cancel!

STELLA THE STORYTELLER: Let her sing for you, Baby Bop. She has been well taught.

BOOKER T. BOOKWORM (after a pause) From the beginning of the aria then, mademoiselle.

(music for Think of Me plays)

WHITNEY: Think of me think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in a while please promise me you'll try.

BABY BOP: BJ, this is doing nothing for my nerves.

BJ: Don't fret, Sissy.

WHITNEY: When you find that, once again, you long to take your heart back and be free if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me

(Transformation to the Gala. WHITNEY is revealed in a dress)

We never said our love was evergreen, or as unchanging as the sea but if you can still remember stop and think of me.

Think of all the things we've shared and seen don't think about the things which might have been.

Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned.

Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind.

Recall those days look back on all those times, think of the things we'll never do there will never be a day, when I won't think of you.

(Applause, bravos. Prominent among the bravos, those of NICK at Baby Bop's and BJ's table)

NICK: Can it be? Can it be Whitney? Bravo!

(he raises his opera-glasses)

NICK: What a change! You're really not a bit the gawkish girl that once you were.

(lowering his opera-glasses)

She may not remember me, but I remember her.

WHITNEY: We never said our love was evergreen, or as unchanging as the sea but please promise me, that sometimes you will think of me!