I've got a little list

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list — I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed — who never would be missed! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs — All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs — All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat — All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that — And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist — They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

There's the n**er serenader[1], and the others of his race, And the piano-organist — I've got him on the list! And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed — they never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who "doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try"; And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist[2] — I don't think she'd be missed — I'm sure she'd not be missed!

He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list; And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist — I've got him on the list! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life — They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed. And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as — What d'ye call him — Thing'em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind, And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who — The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you. But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed

You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!